When someone offers help, our first thought may be how to repay it. When someone says something kind, we want to make it smaller. It was nothing. You too. I just happened to be there.
Reciprocity is a good thing. Relationships need it. But sometimes it can conceal a difficulty with being, for a moment, the person who receives. As though kindness immediately becomes a debt, and we must prove our worth by restoring the balance.
I find myself pausing over how readily we can be useful, and how difficult it can be simply to matter. Without a solution, a favour or a successful performance.
Receiving leaves us open for a moment
When I give, I often know my place. I am the person with something to offer. When I receive, I do not control the situation in the same way. I have to trust that the other person means well and does not expect an immediate return.
That trust is not always justified. Help can come with conditions, and we are allowed to ask about them. Boundaries matter. But not every act of care contains a hidden invoice. If I prepare for one every time, I may also turn away something I have been longing for.
Perhaps thank you could sometimes be a complete answer. Not a promise to perform better, not an explanation of why I do not really need anything. Just thank you, that felt good.
A day off can be received too
The same thought reaches into my relationship with myself. Must rest be preceded by a sufficiently exhausting week? Can I enjoy something while things remain unfinished? Is a good moment permitted only when nobody needs anything and every task is complete?
If these are the conditions, permission can be postponed indefinitely. There is nearly always something unfinished in life. That does not mean neglecting our responsibilities. It means their complete disappearance cannot be our only chance to breathe.
This time of year holds many different feelings, and not everyone has the closeness around them that they wish for. That is another reason I do not want to make feeling good an obligation. I am thinking only of the possibility of receiving whatever small good thing is available.
Without the first task being to prove that we have earned it.
